Finny or Dye

It’s more than a week since a shark attacked a swimmer off Haulover Park, Miami Beach’s historical clothing-optional beach, but things seem to be back to normal. Or at least as normal as it is to see men and women of all ages wandering around, swimming, sitting on chairs and towels in their (often terribly wrinkled) birthday suits.

Haulover also hosts a Tanorexics Anonymous chapter, over which Tanya Hyde presides going on 25 years. Today when I drop in she is just finishing up a yoga session, she and her dozen or so students nonchalantly naked as they roll up their mats under the blazing sun.

The raw truth is that most mortals don’t look very good in the relentless light of full sunshine, which emphasizes every crease, blemish, wrinkle, and imperfection to which the human body is subject. Tanya Hyde is a glaring (and staring) exception. A tall, lean Nordic blonde with hauntingly crystal blue eyes and flawless complexion, she moves with the muscled dexterity of an athlete, exuding grace and beauty from deep within. Maybe she isn’t human.

“Where’ve you been, stranger?” she greets me with that dazzling Viking smile. “And why are you still bundled up? No wonder you’re so pale.”

Here among the tanorexics is the only place on earth where I could be called “pale.” As for “bundled up,” I’m wearing worn shorts, a hat, and some jewelry. So I drop the shorts. As they say, when in Rome, get drunk and vomit.

Eventually I ask her about the shark attack, and if her group is okay.

“Papers report that might be the first incident in these waters ever. And that shark was provoked by a lifeguard trying to herd it away while warning bathers. So, no, we don’t see a trend, and we’re not especially concerned. More important, the swimmer is okay.”

Has to be unnerving — out in the water with your equipment exposed when a shark swims by.

Tanya laughs. “Like a bathing suit and jock strap are going to stop a shark bite? No, if you’d hang out with us more (excuse the pun) you’d see how natural it feels. Not unnerving at all.” She purses her lips. “You ARE wearing sunscreen on your paler parts, aren’t you?”

Um, no, and please don’t offer to help me apply it or I might say Yes.

We talk about some of the people in her group that have passed on — she prefers the term “faded away” — some after years of painful melanoma complications. One old timer (nickname: “HighNoon”) kept his routine of 10 hours’ sunshine even on days where he was undergoing treatments, coming straight to the beach from the clinic.

“He hated those bandages,” says Tanya, wistfully. “He was so upset that he’d have pale spots and tan lines when he was laid out in his coffin. But the undertakers did a marvelous job.”

Aah. Don’t you just love a happy ending?

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Posted in News From the Nation's Dicktip | 11 Comments

Out At Home

Slouching at the bar, fingers caressing the rim of her sweating rock glass, smoke curling up from the cigarette between her knuckles as she frowns over her newspaper, retired sportswriter Vera Lu Senz is the portrait of feminine noir. Or as noir as you can get on a tropical summer afternoon at the Liquor and Rubber Balls Sports Emporium and Brazilian Furball Sculpting Centre.

She rattles the ice in her glass, summoning Don Tequila behind the bar for a refill, as I walk over and greet her.

“Insipid,” she states. “Clueless. Vapid.”

Who, me? Lu, my love, you say the sweetest things.

She gestures disgustedly at the Sun-Sentinel editorial before her. I catch the headline, Believe it we’re center of baseball world. “If I’m in charge, the pis ant who sends me this rewrites it sitting balls-ass naked in the center of the newsroom, wearing a dunce cap. What an embarrassment.”

I shrug. As far as I can figure out, nobody gives a damn what the Sun-Sentinel writes about anything, let alone baseball, including the Sun-Sentinel itself.

“My buddy up in Dooray phones me, says I need to see this,” explains Lu. “Says it’s a perfect example of why he got out of journalism 20 years ago. And he’s right–this is textbook fucking wrong.” Remarkably, she sips her drink, doesn’t bite the glass.

“Right off — check out the “we.” This rag isn’t even sold south of the Dade County line, and not one item reported here takes place in the Scum-Sentinel’s market. Shit, even a parasite is intimate with its host. ‘We.‘ Please.

“Then there’s the pesky little fact that nobody who takes baseball seriously thinks the All-Star Game is important. Every player I ever met made it clear they’d rather have the four days off. It’s a marketing extravaganza for Major League Baseball, a cash-register driven celebration of brands and slogans. The players don’t play real hard, the outcome has minimal impact (although that nitwit Selig threw a wrench into the works a few years ago), both managers are expected to shuffle line-ups to give everybody a chance….. it’s a horseshit game.

“Then there’s the uncomfortable reality that down here, baseball is such a low priority that all the glitz and braggadocio they’re doing isn’t even filling the stadium. Attendance at Fan Fest is dismal. The national press is pretty much ignoring everything until the home-run hitting contest, and that’s in big part because of the Yankee kid.”

She drags on her cigarette. “Here, listen to this: The retractable roof park, which opened in 2012, is the main reason the All-Star Game landed here. The ballpark cost $639 million, of which $515 came from public funding. Hosting an All-Star Game is one of the tangible returns of that investment. By some estimates, the game and its surrounding activities could add as much as $80 million to the local economy, but those figures are historically inflated.

What? No mention that it’s the only domed facility in sports history that experienced a rain delay?

“That stadium is hideous, and the home run abortion in the outfield looks like Liberace’s wet dream. But look at this writing — the reason the game is here is taxpayers got screwed by a bad deal, and even inflated revenue figures (no accurate ones are provided) can’t balance the books. That’s a ‘tangible return‘?”

Relax, Lu. Like you yourself say, baseball fans don’t give a damn about this game, and nobody gives a damn about the Sun-Sentinel. Why’d your pal in Delray want you to read this and get all worked up? What’s he do now that he’s out of journalism?

Lu waves her hand dismissively. “He’s got some kind of new racket — calls himself a therapist or a counselor or some such shit. Specializes in anger management…….”

We look at each other for a moment, then nod our heads in perfect unison.

For the record: here’s the editorial.

Posted in Playing With Balls | 6 Comments

Neighborhood Buzz

Sitting outside on the second full day of glorious summer in south Florida, there’s a loud thud that shakes the earth and sends a cloud of white particles over my head. Can only mean one thing: a seed pod on one of our Royal Palms has finally opened. Here’s the fallen pod.

Pretty impressive, innit. No, I wasn’t sitting anywhere close enough to get bonked, or worse yet, impaled. Here’s the bloom, maybe 15 minutes after arrival.

The flowers will bloom for weeks, attracting swarms of bees when the word goes out (Neighborhood Buzz!). This occurs about 35 feet from the ground, so I’m not worried about stings from intoxicated pugilists. A larger nuisance is the flower dust that will fall and cover everything from landscaping to windshields. The upside there: it might also clog up my next-door neighbor’s pool cleaning mechanisms. Asshole.

Side view:

Welcome to summer!

Posted in News From the Nation's Dicktip | 10 Comments

Olde Towne Old Timer

I am in Philadelphia on the last weekend of April, first time back home — I still think of it as home, although Guido and I left permanently in 1985 — in several years. I’m walking south on Market Street down by Independence Mall, where I encounter this marker.

Even though it’s Saturday, there are what appear to be flocks of school children accompanied by teachers visiting the historic site where the Declaration of Independence was signed, the Constitution debated and written, and the nation itself born. Growing up, us kids took all this venerable shit for granted — it had always been here, everybody took numerous tours (both in school and otherwise), and it was all just part of the big dirty city like the dive-bombing pigeons, stinking buses, puddles of mysterious substances in the streets, weirdoes everywhere we learned to avoid looking at, and ubiquitous cigarette smoke.  Have I ever mentioned how the fifties sucked? That’s another post or two.

So I determine I will light a small cigar, linger a moment, and eavesdrop on the lessons presented by these earnest Saturday morning tour guides to their young charges. Sixty years since I got schooled myself, how do they discuss the First Amendment?

Teacher gives the standard textbook speech — if I were assigning hash tags I’d include freedom, rights, expression, speech, American, protection, government, and the like. Her elementary school-age kids behave, at least, standing quietly if not especially attentively, shuffling a trifle but not picking noses. Teacher stops and asks for questions.

One little fellow raises his hand.  “If we’re allowed to say anything we want, how come you won’t let me call Eduardo an asshole?” he asks. He’s utterly serious. Or a great actor. I stifle a smirk.

Give Teacher credit for handling this one as well as she does: she’s clearly a veteran and knows her kids well. I am also amused that before she answers she shoots a look over at my mocking face, sending me back half a century to that anxious, watery-bowelled what-did-I-do-now-am-I-in-trouble miasma of guilt and fear that school instilled on me, like the dreaded “permanent record” they would threaten us with. Posing Double-O Sevenishly with my cigar, I try not to let on. Fat chance! She caught me. She knows.

Another kid wants to know why, if this is so important to rate its own memorial tombstone (as she calls it), it had to be amended to the Constitution, and didn’t rate inclusion in the first place. Bear in mind this is like maybe a 5th or 6th grader.

Teacher is impressed — so am I — and gives an answer that makes sense (along the lines of, The amendments are part and parcel of the original, not afterthoughts; this was a decision based on style and structure), but maybe the class could research it further and get more information when they return to school.

Time for one more. Little girl asks why there are only Founding Fathers, no Founding Mothers.

I imagine this is as good a time as any for me to slip the old moccasins back on the hooves and get my ass moseying on, but out of nowhere, Teacher points right at me — I feel a familiar stab of horror — and says, “Maybe that gentleman can answer your question.”

About 14 little expectant eyes swing over in my direction. In that moment, I understand my role — I become the city, the pigeons, the filthy puddles, the buses, the weirdoes, the taken-for-granted urban background into which kids have always immersed and matured, unaware of its ongoing evolution until they, too, switch roles. As I just do.

So I tell them that times change, and what is so clear to us today after literally hundreds of years of civilization wasn’t always so clear to even the best and brightest of our species even ten years ago, let alone 240. And that today there would be Founding Mothers, and we’d be better off for it. Which is why you’re here today, on a weekend, because this lesson and these experiences don’t have days off, and need bright beautiful kids like you to learn them well so you can not only apply them, but teach them to kids just like yourselves, when you kids get to be older.

Pretty good, innit, for extemporaneous bullshit? That Toastmasters training was worth every session.  Even Teacher reshapes her cracked-plate rictus and manages a smile. I’m feeling pretty good when one of the kids pipes up, “Did you know Ben Franklin when he was here?”

Punk. Pustule. You must be Asshole Eduardo. I hearda you.

I assure them Ben-Fran and I were great chums, and in fact I’m off to visit his post office in the next block. So, with a nod of acknowledgment to wily Teacher, off I limp, into history.

Posted in Shaken and Stirred | 5 Comments

So Wet’s New?

It’s been raining so relentlessly over the last week that people have stopped complaining about the heat and humidity. Then again, there aren’t many people around to complain: the streets are empty, except for the virtual ponds that have formed, the stores deserted. Everybody’s huddled inside, moping, grumbling, tweezing their moles for entertainment.

My lawn is so thick and tall there are tribes of aborigines moving in. I’ve seen their cave art. Tree frogs and buffo toads are out in force, singing all through the night. They’re doing a benefit concert this weekend (“Legs Dance!”), proceeds to support an environmental group.

Two royal palm fronds came down on my roof — that’s about 40 feet of foliage — but I’m not going up there until the rain stops. Hauling giant chunks of wet, heavy tree parts on a slippery surface 12 feet off the ground sounds like the preamble to a hospital visit. Did I mention that one of them is straddling an electric cable?

On Sunday I took the inside house plants outside, as I do weekly, for watering. They’re still out there because they haven’t dried, and they won’t for days. But they seem to be enjoying themselves, don’t they? Turns out everybody appreciates a drink now and then.

Say, there’s an idea.

 

Posted in Shaken and Stirred | 10 Comments

Expired

parking signIf you’ve been following my history with this, well, two things: (1) You really need a life, and (b) You know I have a real issue with parking machines. Yoooge problems.

Can’t help you with #1, except to recommend more alcohol. So let’s move on.

Last week I park in a downtown Ft Lauderdale garage by the county administration building. I note the floor I park on (4), then walk down the urine-stench steps to the sidewalk, cross the street, attend the meeting, and prepare to return home.

There’s a big sign on the first floor of the garage: PAY FOR PARKING HERE. It stands above a menacing parking machine, not 25 yards away from an enclosed (bulletproof) booth for CUSTOMER SERVICE occupied by two morbidly obese bored-looking idle uniformed agents, who presumably are too dull-witted and untrustworthy to handle payments in their own lot.

Miraculously, the machine functions! It tells me how much I owe, takes my three dollars with only minimal delays and returns, and spits back my stamped receipt.

Then I look around for the  stairs to ascend to retrieve my car. Evidently in the two hours I spend at my meeting, it’s been removed because I can’t find it anywhere. David Copperfield couldn’t make a staircase disappear as efficiently. So I approach the corral where the obese pair are lazily grazing, explain my desire to find the fourth floor so I can drive home, and ask where the stairwell is.

Neither wants to talk to me, but the one I make eye contact with holds up three fingers and says, “The 3rd and 4th floor are confusing.”

I kind of just stare at them both. The hell?

“Look,” I say, trying to sound reasonable. “I’m not confused about 3 and 4. I just don’t know what where the stairwell I walked down is because I don’t see it. Just tell me where the stairs are, okay?”

This inspires a quick conference between the two that I don’t quite hear — goddam glass booths with the tiny air-hole speakers — and then they say they can’t help me, go ask Security, in the person of yet another obese uniformed employee occupying the front seat of a open-air vehicle off to the side of the (HA!) Customer Service booth.

“You don’t know where your own stairwell is?” I ask. I love government workers.

Security at least has a personality. He laughs when I tell him I can’t find the stairs. “They outside,” he explains, “and they locked. You can exit, you can’t enter. Take the elevator. What color was your floor?”

Shit. Color? Who can see color in a parking garage where the outside light is blinding, and the inside is dark and dingy as a Republican’s brane? “I dunno,” I say. “But there was a big yellow 4 on the wall. So I figure that’s the 4th floor, right?”

“Yeah,” he says. “But the elevator is color-coded. Four is green.”

I thank him, head for the elevator. It’s NOT color coded. To quote Casey Stengel, Can’t anybody here play this game? I push 4, find my floor, find my car.

I wind my way down to the exit where I confront yet another fucking machine guarding the way. If they pay for 2 stooges sitting in a booth doing nothing all day, why do we have to deal with all these fucked-up machines? This one has caused me a load of grief in other encounters because it says insert receipt first and then credit card. But since I already paid in cash, why does it want my credit card? Well, it doesn’t. But you can’t know that from the instructions. I know that from previous shouting matches with the Customer Service fatties, back when customers could actually walk up the steps as well as down.

So I put my receipt in, press the button to get a paid receipt back, and the gate goes up……but no stamped receipt comes out. So how do I get my proof that I paid for parking? I press it another half-dozen times and nothing happens. “Work, you prick!” I shriek. “You have one goddam fucking function in the entire world and you can’t deliver?”

It takes a special personality to shriek at machines.

A car pulls up behind me. It’s probably not the mayor or the parking authority chief, so there’s no reason to ruin another citizen’s day. The gate remains open. I go through, and never get my receipt. Fuck it.

Can’t wait for the customer satisfaction survey.

Posted in Shaken and Stirred | 5 Comments

Exemplary

I don’t hear much anymore about the Russian comedian Yakov Smirnoff, but he was a big thing for a while, lots of appearances and interviews, people repeating his jokes, etc. I remember when he was asked about growing up in Russia —  did he ever see American teevee programs? He said the Three Stooges were very popular: the kids were told that these were typical Americans, behaving as most American behaved and that was what America was like.

That always got a good laugh from the audience.

Click forward to the present. Thanks to this internetish thing, if Russian audiences want to see American (or any other) teevee, they have plenty of resources. What this suggests is that if Russian authorities want to show impressionable children what typical Americans say, think, do, and look like, they could show President Trumpf in action.

“Look — that’s their leader! President Felthercrotch! Freely elected, just like our own President Putin!”

Scary thought, innit? We were better served by Moe Larry & Curly.

My favorite Smirnoff observation: asked to name something entirely unheard of in the Soviet Union but commonplace in the United States, he said, “Warning shots.”

Posted in Gen. Snark, Maj. Snafu, Corp. Punishment | 5 Comments