Chilled Whine

(This is an updated post from a previous blog.)

i-has-frozenThe first thing I notice when I awaken Sunday morning is  my suntan, which has cracked in 20 places and now rests in pieces next to me.  This happens every autumn when the temperature abruptly drops overnight.  It’s my body’s version of falling leaves.  I hate it.

Here’s a complete list of reasons to like cold weather:

Wanna see it again?

I hate cold weather. Passionately.

Inevitably, when the first cold snap strikes south Florida, people will beam with pleasure. “Isn’t this terrific?” they’ll say. “Finally, a break from the heat!”

I respectfully suggest they go the hell back where they came from and pound icicles up their asses. There’s weather like this all the time up north in New Wingland and Minneysoda and Walla Walla Washington. It’s called spring.

The #1 reason people cite for relocating to Florida is the weather. This is bullshit. They HATE Florida weather. They spend 10 months of the year huddled behind hermetically sealed windows and doors blasting their air conditioning. They keep their houses, offices, and cars so frigid they could hang meat. They hate the heat. They fear the sun. They hate to sweat.

My house doesn’t even have a single air conditioner. I LIKE heat and humidity. I LIKE it when my whole house is over 90 degrees. I LIKE to sweat in my sleep. Me, I LIKE Florida weather. You don’t, do you. You just say you do.

When everybody else in the region opens their windows, we’re cranking ours shut.  The blankets will come out tonight.   The tequila bottle will rest undisturbed  in the freezer, replaced by warming amber Jack Daniels.  The cold bitch winter has announced herself.

So I’m miserable today and tomorrow; in fact, I’m miserable all damn winter. Whenever it drops below 80, I’m cold. And I fucking hate being cold. The next person who asks me how I like this terrific refreshing weather gets a lunger in the face. “Have a nice day,” I’ll say, cordially.

Global warming? Bring it on. It can’t happen soon enough.

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13 Responses to Chilled Whine

  1. Everglades Python says:

    I hear ya!

  2. Mister E says:

    What a wuss. Besides, it’s heading back up to the 80s by Wednesday. Can you survive?

  3. Frank of Oregon says:

    As a native of the state, I assure you that nobody ever moved to Oregon for the weather, and lots of people moved out. But most people find far more important things in life than weather. Evidently that’s not true in Florida, which tells you something about the people here.

    I wouldn’t go back to the Pacific Northwest unless kidnapped at gunpoint.

  4. SuperBee says:

    I respectfully disagree.

    This weather is PHENOMENAL.

    And I make no bones about the fact that I loathe heat – only, a series of unfortunate events (being licensed in the Law… purchasing real property) compels me to remain in this sauna.

    Otherwise, I’d pack my shizz and move to Chicago, where I could relish two-and-a-half seasons, and wear tweed to my heart’s content.

  5. Fran G'Panni says:

    As I’ve told you before, you didn’t move far enough. Come to KW. We drink to cool off, not warm up!

  6. Dawgbowl says:

    I’m with SuperBee. I like it warm, not Africa-hot like the summers here. This is the weather I wait for.

  7. Lu Senz says:

    This is breast cancer awareness month, hence the nipply weather. 🙂

    Meanwhile, look at the conditions in the frigid northeast where the Yankees and your Phighten Phillies are kicking southern California ASS.

  8. Bill Kamal WSVN Weatherman says:

    Fucking cry baby!

  9. Sharpshooter says:

    Squatty,
    I love the hot weather too. If I did not ever see snow again in my life, I would be a very happy camper. I hate anything below 75 degrees. And I don’t care much for airconditioning. In fact, during a recent trip to Ft. Lauderdale, I actually turned the A/C off at night at the house I stayed at, and slept just perfect.

  10. Flaming Yon says:

    Only reason I like cooler weather is I get to wear clothes I can’t wear when it’s skin-blistering hot. Away go the wife-beater tee shirts, out come the sweatshirts. Off with the sandals, on with the shoes. Out with the g-string, in with the boxers. Wheee!

  11. Ms Calabaza says:

    I feel like Superbee, I can’t take the sauna weather…Sharpshooter, with all due respect wait until you spend July, August of next year and I guarantee you’ll need that a.c. The heat/humidity has gotten more intense in the past decade methinks. Hey Squatty, how ’bout them Phillies !!

  12. Squathole says:

    Yeah, how BOUT dem Phightens? That’s the main reason there’s no post today: I was up late, glued to the tube. What a finish. What a team.

    Sharpie: you’ll be fine. Heat and humidity are easily defeated by cold beer in great quantities. And if Ms C is right about conditions here over the last decade (I’m sure it has NOTHING to do with similar measurable conditions all over the world, which has NOTHING to do with global warming), there are more and better beer selections as well.

  13. Sharpshooter says:

    Squatty,
    Thanks. I am sure I will be fine since I enjoy beer to the max. Funny part is when I lived in the old country, we never had any a/c and yet I survived and actually flourished. We lived ina place many more miles down south than Florida and with greater humidity and longer summers and I was just fine. I hate cold weather. As long as I have a beach nearby, a nice ocean breeze and beer, I am sure I will be alright.
    Ms. C has been up north too long and by now has gotten used to the cold weather and maybe she is beginning to enjoy it! .LOL

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