Tit for Tat

Over the weekend, Guido and I meet two old friends down from Philly for dinner.  We slip into an Italian restaurant and seat ourselves next to a young couple taking Grandmom out for Mothers Day.  Meanwhile, Mom wears this harness-like device that allows her infant offspring to breastfeed while the three adults dine and socialize.

Waitperson arrives for drink orders.  I gesture to the next table.  “I’ll have what the baby’s having,” I say.

“Don’t start,” counsels Guido, and I don’t.  We’ve had this discussion many times.  I find breastfeeding in restaurants rebarbative, well beyond the bounds of propriety.  Guido doesn’t.  Then again, she rather enjoys sitting at outdoor cafes which allow customers to bring their dogs.  I don’t.  Everything is fine until Fido starts licking his ass, drooling over table scraps, or farting.  And plenty of dogs small bad.  It’s their job.

Mom’s harness is ingenious.  It keeps her breast completely concealed, which means I can’t even accidently catch a glimpse of baby’s toothless mouth wetly sucking its way through dinner.  All I can see is its bald, larva-like head – sufficiently disgusting in its own right – and both parties to this cannibalistic ritual are quiet and comfortable.  I can’t ask for more than that, but I’m still unnerved and unhappy.

“Tough shit,” Guido doesn’t even have to say.

Excuse me for living, but I don’t like anything about babies.  I don’t find them cute or precious or miraculous, and exposing me to their hygiene and nurture summons up the howling fantods.   That’s my problem, not Mom’s (or theirs), but at the same time, I don’t see why an intimate act like this is appropriate for public display, even, as in this case, very discreet display.    Please don’t tell me it’s okay because “it’s natural” because I will provide a long list of perfectly natural acts involving body parts that don’t belong in the dining room either.

The night proceeded pleasantly, without incident.  We skipped coffee, though, because I was afraid somebody at the table might ask, “Got milk?” and I might have heaved.

This entry was posted in Shaken and Stirred. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Tit for Tat

  1. Human Buffet says:

    I couldn’t disagree with you more. It turns me on.

  2. Idi Amin says:

    Characterizing breast feeding as “cannibalistic” is just wrong.

  3. Its OK because it’s natural.

    Why, just last week I took and left a dump at the bar at Applebee’s.

  4. Piles says:

    I don’t like seeing it either. Too agricultural. Dogs at outdoor cafes don’t bother me, though. I like watching a dog lick his balls while I’m eating a hamburger.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s