If you’ve been reading this blog for any time at all, you probably don’t expect to see very much here the day after St Patty’s. Or Cinqo de Mayo. I’m writing this Monday night.
The plan is, a bunch of us are meeting at the Liquor & Rubber Balls Sports Bar and Vacuum Cleaner Repair where we’ll get started on the Guinness and shots of Bushmills. (I will pass on the Bushmills. Comes to hard stuff, I’m a tequila purist, with occasional winter time forays into Jack Daniels country.) Afterwards, whoever’s left standing will head on over to a rather not-well-known titty bar called The Wiggle Room, where the clientèle isn’t quite as lesbian-laden as LRBs, for some mature entertainment (mature” is a synonym for “adolescent”). A splendid time is guaranteed for all. Hope I remember.
* * *
Liam the Irishman walks into a bar with with an ostrich and a cat. The bartender, scowling, asks him what he’ll have. “Guinness,” says Liam. “Bushmills,” says the ostrich. “I’ll have one of each,” says the cat, “but I’m not payin’!” Barkeep serves it, rings it up, and Liam produces the exact amount plus 20% and slaps it on the bar. They drink up and leave.
Next day they’re back. “Black and tan,” says Liam. ‘Tullamore Dew,” says the ostrich. “One of each,” says the cat, “but I’m not payin’!” And again, when Barkeep rings it up, Liam reaches into his pocket, produces the exact fare plus 20%, never even counting.
This goes on the entire week. No matter what they order, the cat ain’t payin’, and Liam pulls out the cash without looking. Finally Barkeep asks what the hell this is all about.
“Me own fault,” sighs Liam. “Six months back I come face to face with a leprechaun. Throttle the little divvil and he grants me two wishes to let him go. I name ’em, he waves his hands, and it’s been like this since.”
“I still don’t get it,” says Barkeep.
Liam downs his drink. “I tell him I don’t want to be rich, but every time I need money, I’d find what I need in me pocket,” he says.
“Ach! Smart! But the critters?”
“I got a wee bit careless, lad. I told him I wanted a chick with long legs and a tight pussy. Hit us again.”
See you Thursday.