Slice of Life

The day was as long and hard as a dinosaur’s dick, but the computer is on so I scan the blogs to see what’s happening.  I venture over to Rick’s, as I always do, and he has a link to this.  Worst pizza, eh?

As a pizza freak, I’m curious.  Pizzas got me laid.  Pizzas got me married.  I’m from Philly, where pizza grows on the original cobblestones laid by Billy Penn’s Eye-Tie contractors back in the 17th century (union labor, time and a half on Blue Law Sunday….you gotta problem widdat?).  The last thing I am is a foodie, but I know a fuckin thing or two about pizza.

south-street-02That’s what separates me from worstpizza.com.  This guy thinks pizza is something you eat with chopsticks and dry wine.  This guy eats pizza in a suit and tie.  This guy goes to pizza joints with air conditioning, shiny dark wood counters, and potted ferns (hold the flies) in decorative origami hangers.

Hey I’m sure he’s a sweetheart of a guy without a bruise or blister on his bone, but that’s not what pizza is all about.  He reviews Key West pizza — hey, don’t eat pizza in KW, okay?  Unless you live there most of the year, and you MUST, don’t bother — and orders it with pineapple.  PINEAPPLE!!  Here’s the commandant Moses left off as too obvious:: Thou Shall Not Defile a Pizza with Anything Hawaiian.  I don’t give a sun-dried shit where you go, don’t eat a pizza with pineapple any more than you’d eat one with raisins, prunes, crab grass, or ortolan beaks.

Missing among the three whole reviews dedicated to Hollywood (FL) is Mauro’s Pizza, which serves a damn decent slice, flavorful, generous, and utterly without pretense or atmosphere.  Two slices, plain, with garlic, oregano, and hot peppers, and you got a $5 lunch.  He does manage to prance into Flikr Lite, possibly the most over-rated pizza dump in Florida, and fails to figure out it’s got Chicago roots so passes in the deep-dish.  That’s a Duh moment in itself.  Actually, the deep-dish isn’t all that good, but he’ll never know because he actually goes for the pineapple again.  Al Capone witnesses this, he shatters his skull with a baseball bat; if I’m there when it happens, I cheer the justice done and buy Big Al a 20 oz Old Style.

pizzaYeah — that’s another thing.  Eat pizza?  Drink beer.  The End.

Oh, and in all the reviews, and all the cities, there’s not one devoted to Philadelphia, which without question has the best pizza as well as the most variety in the entire country.  That’s because the dagoid culture, which extends into south Jersey and the Philly suburbs, is the mainstream, so genuine pizza add-ons like fresh garlic, broccoli rabe, shellfish, roasted peppers, spinach, Italian sausage, mushrooms, etc., are understood, appreciated, and demanded.

Little mom and pop corner stores serve pizza to die for.  South Philly smells like a pizza oven 24/7.  The ovens and grills haven’t chilled down for generations.  (They haven’t been cleaned in a while, either!)  You crave hot pizza with a cold beer at 2 AM, and you devour the congealed greasy leftovers right out of the cardboard box cold from the icebox next morning with hot coffee.   The taste is divine, the world is right, and the evening and the morning are the next day.

That’s how you fuckin eat pizza, dickhead.  Put your pinkies back in your fists and drop the utensils.  You don’t know best pizza from worst pizza from no pizza.  Change the name of your blog to worstpizzareviewer.com.  And have a nice day.

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15 Responses to Slice of Life

  1. Lu Senz says:

    Philly pizza? New York pizza? Boston/new England pizza? Sure why not. But the good stuff, the best stuff, is deep-dish Chicago style. But you’re right about Flickr Lite because that crap is to Chicago pizza what Rod Blagojevich is to Chicago politics.

  2. Old Timer says:

    “Icebox!” Nobody under the age of death plus 20 knows what is an icebox.

  3. CL Jahn says:

    Harsh, but it needed to be said.

    I can’t believe he goes to West Palm Beach and never gets to the best pizza place in Palm Beach County: Ambrosia.

    Hmm. That reminds me: I have to go to Ventnor and get me some Jo-Jo’s.

    • Squathole says:

      Shore pizza is another world entirely, probably a lot to do with the distinctive taste and texture of Atlantic City bread. Something about the body parts, medical waste, and fecal matter in thew water, I guess. But the only hoagie I eat any more is the one I get at White House every few years or so. Has to be at about 11:30 in the morning, or the line gets too long. Strange to be a tourist, y’know?

  4. Flaming Yon says:

    Wow. Reverse snobbery.

  5. Kim Chee says:

    My family in southern California raves about their favorite pizza parlor, this nice upscale fern bar place that serves craft beer, 10 kinds of bottled water, and wine. You can order pizza with toppings like smoked duck, brie, alfalfa sprouts, and all sorts of fruit.

    Some combinations are just bizarre, but many are rather tasty. I just can’t understand why anybody would call these things “pizza,” though, and I guess that’s what you feel about pineapple.

  6. SuperBee says:

    I came in my pants a little bit when you were talking about hot pizza out of the box, and then congealed leftovers in the morning: that’s how I rollz.

  7. Living Will says:

    I see your point, but I don’t feel your pain. To me, New York pizza is the only one worth eating, with or without Tabasco.

  8. Philly Phanatic says:

    You want good Pizza? You gotta go here http://www.marras1.com/

    Damn good Pizza and garlic rolls too!

  9. Manual Override says:

    All of your pizza are belong to me.

  10. You May Call Me Pierre says:

    You would decline the label “Foodie,” and yet, for certain this is the first time an ortolan has appeared in an American blog. You are aware, I presume, that the beak is the one part not eaten when the delicate bird is swallowed whole?

    Reading blogs by self-proclaimed Foodies is tragicomedy performed by mimes. They know nothing. Perhaps pizza is the extreme edge of their taste and expertise.

  11. Red White & Blue says:

    Okay. Maybe you don’t hate America after all.

  12. Guido says:

    Now you’ve done it. I am soooo jonesing for pizza right now. While I agree that Mauro’s is a decent slice, especially for lunch or late night snack, I think the best I’ve had here in this pizza-wasteland is Anthony’s Coal Fired pizza with sausage & broccoli rabe. And while I agree beer is the best quencher to accompany a pizza a glass of red wine (preferably chianti) is perfectly acceptable. And I totally agree with Kim Chee….there are many pizza-like pies out there with exotic toppings that taste just fine….just don’t call it a pizza. That said all I can add is anyone who orders pineapple on their pizza, with or without the Canadian bacon, should not be allowed to review food of any kind much less pizza. If that makes me a pizza snob then I’m proud to be one.

  13. Ortolan says:

    Allo Pierre! Mangez moi!

  14. Ms Calabaza says:

    Woo hoo! Guido joined in on the fun!

    Squatty: enough loafing. Time for a new post! 🙂

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