Out on (and Of) a Limb

Why bother to write fiction when you can just cut and paste stuff like this?

Jacoby Laquan Smith says he will turn himself in to St. Paul police this week for what must be the most unmanly crime on record: domestically abusing his armless, legless girlfriend.  Smith allegedly punched Tiesha Bell in the face 10 times during the March 22 incident and faces a misdemeanor fifth degree assault charge and a gross misdemeanor for interfering with a 911 call.

Bell was in no position to defend herself, being that both hands and both legs were amputated due to a childhood illness. But Smith says don’t let that fool you–Bell is like a handless, legless Ultimate Fighter.  “She’ll swing, push me down and choke me with her nubs,” Smith told the Pioneer Press.

Smith said that prior to the domestic dispute, Bell was cheating on him.  That’s right, Smith was being cuckolded by a quadruple amputee. That can’t be good for the self-esteem.

He turned on the TV and Bell got mad, he says. She punched him in the groin with her deadly nub and then proceeded to dowse him in urine from a bed pan.  Yes, after being cuckolded by the quadruple amputee, she gave him a golden shower.

So you see, your honor, Smith punched the quadruple amputee in self-defense. He rests his case.

(By the way, Bell still plans to marry him. “We both need anger management,” she said.) –- citypages.com

“Deadly nubs.”  What a guy.  But at least she still loves him.  In fact, I figure the ball-busting, choking, and piss bath are the reasons they get along so well.  The one thing they probably don’t do a whole lot is bondage.  But you never know.

People who have had sex with physically disabled people – I’m had the pleasure, myself – will tell you that it’s not substantially different than sex with able-bodied people.  All the essential parts are available, right?  In fact, considering that at some time in their lives men fuck dirty laundry, deli meat,  raw chickens, live farm animals, vacuum cleaner hoses,  and their own soapy paws, I bet most would enjoy having sex with a living receptacle, particularly one with attitude.

So as funny as it is, that self-esteem remark is probably off base.  Guys probably line up around the block to sample this exotic dish.  And in between sexual encounters, they can use as her home plate.  Two ways to score!

I speak from experience when I tell you that sex with deaf people is entertaining as hell – their uninhibited moans and grunts can be absolutely jungle-like, and very satisfying.  There’s not a whole lot of conversation afterwards, either, and no need to stifle your noisy post-coital farts – well, no audible reason, anyway.

Anyway, I wish the happy all the best.  Good luck with finding a wedding ring, too.

This entry was posted in Gen. Snark, Maj. Snafu, Corp. Punishment. Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Out on (and Of) a Limb

  1. Mumblety Peg says:

    Men are such pigs.

  2. Mister E says:

    Somebody tell the Would-eye joke.

  3. Boxing Helena says:

    what a nightmare

  4. Human Buffet says:

    I dated a blind girl for a while, but the wisecracks that gave rise to from my friends got intolerable, so I dumped the bitch and took up with a girl who turned out to be anorexic although I didn’t know what that was at the time. She was a cheap date….I’d take her to dinner and she wouldn’t eat. I never dated anybody as physically disabled as this one but you’re right — I’d like to have sex with her just to see what it’s like.

  5. Joe Balls says:

    Guys probably line up around the block to sample this exotic dish. And in between sexual encounters, they can use as her home plate. Two ways to score!

    Yeah! Get in the game!

  6. Yono Senada says:

    My husband occcasionally expresses his desire to have married a mute … All this time I thought he just wanted me to shut up . . .

  7. Pffft, you was gone... says:

    Please have a flat head, please, please, please…

  8. Diesel Fitter says:

    “Most guys just leave her hanging on the fence.”

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