Little Brother, Big If

Let’s begin by debunking a popular myth/meme circulating the interwebs: a tranquilizer dart was NOT needed to remove NJ Governor Porcine from the stage following his keynote address to the RNC.  The moronic remarks shat from his face and his hyper-mouth demeanor are just the way he rolls — literally.  Front-row audience members were provided hazmat suits and plastic waterproofing as a matter of routine.  There’s even a name for it (the Gallagher Protocol).

Moving on, let’s focus on the positive:

Speaking at a panel discussion at the Republican National Convention, [Jeb!] Bush repeated his frequent warning that the party must change its tone, an admonition he has frequently raised about the party’s hardline position on immigration.

“The future of our party is to reach out consistently to have a tone that is open and hospitable to people who share values,’’ he said, adding “the conservative cause would be the governing philosophy as far as the eye could see … and that’s doable if we just stop acting stupid.”  —Miami Hurled

The obvious revelation here is that Florida’s beloved former governor Jeb! Bush, a loyal, faithful Republican with very deep roots, acknowledges that his party has been acting stupid.  You need to be acting stupid in order to stop.

Because I don’t recall any other member of the GOP ever so much as suggesting as much, obvious as it is, I phone Jeb!’s office for clarification.  A spokescritter who identifies himself as Dustin Wacks takes the call.

“You’re the fifth caller today,” he tells me.  So let me anticipate.  No, the Governor did not say all Republicans are stupid.  No, he did not say they were acting stupid about everything.  He merely pointed out, as he has consistently, that the Republican party needs to extend its outreach to people who share the party’s values, which includes many new immigrants whose overall treatment by the party in terms of statements and policies has not been welcoming at all.”

Fair enough.  But what makes Jeb! the authority?

“You’re kidding, right?  He was governor of Florida for 8 years, and George W.’s younger brother for his entire life.  I think that qualifies him to know stupid when he sees it.”

How did his remarks go over with the party faithful?

“Well, nobody threatened to kill him, although a few did accuse him of hating America and being a communist.  But remember, he was talking to a room full of Republican activists.  In Tampa.”

In 1980, the ‘Pub platform had the following language:  “We also believe there should be local educational programs which enable those who grew up learning another language such as Spanish to become proficient in English while also maintaining their own language and cultural heritage. Neither Hispanics nor any other American citizens should be barred from education or employment opportunities because English is not their first language.”  This year, it reads, “we support English as the nation’s official language.”  Is that a sample of the stupid stuff Jeb! referred to?

“Um, probably.  However, as has been pointed out when people draw attention to the anti-abortion language that makes no exception for rape or incest, nobody really reads or cares about what’s in the party’s platform.”

Now, there’s relief.  So the platform isn’t really stupid, either.

“No, just irrelevant.  Got what you need?  ‘Cause I gotta go.”  And he’s gone.

So there you have it.  Jeb! wasn’t my favorite guy, but with the luxury that private life provides, he’s actually making sense, and I commend him.

As for Gov Porcine, he was unavailable.  Aides told me he was at lunch.

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8 Responses to Little Brother, Big If

  1. Ayn says:

    The Outlaw Jersey Whale.

  2. Key Liam says:

    Jebby had his real bad moments as Governor, Dispatching state cops to Tracy Schiavo’s bedside was one of them. For all his good work on the environment, he made it real easy for developers at the same time (being one himself). He totally screwed up the state’s education department which was lame to begin with, and he decimated public funding for the arts. You could argue all day about the state’s ruined budget, too, and how much of that is his fault. What is unarguable is that as soon as Charlie Crist replaced him, things started improving.

    Keep all this in mind in 4 years when 3 Floridans assume national prominence: Jebby, Crist, and Rubio, all with very different positions and perspectives.

  3. anonymous in New Jersey says:

    Funny, but the Porcine governor, as you call him filled with contempt and hatred, got elected in a state where “Demorats” outnumber the Repubs 2 to 1. So how do you explain that one? And Oh by the way, please no need to talk about the previous governor “Demorat” the “honorable” Mr Jon Corzine, a dear friend of the VP and “intelectual giant” of the “Demorats” Mr. Joe Biden, who stole over a billion dollars from the investors who trusted their money to him.
    Mr Porcine has also balanced the state’s budget in New Jersey,something the previous “Demorats” governors could not accomplish. I will take Mr.Porcine over New Jersey’s version of Mr. Bernie Madoff.

    • Borkon says:

      Hey, Anonymous–I can tell you’re not really from Jersey, OK? Cuz nobody from Jersey says anything this fuckin stupid. Don’t get me wrong: We say lots of stupid shit, but nothing like what you said.

      Start here:

      The Facts: Christie was stretching the truth about taxes and claiming credit for a balanced budget that is required by the state constitution. On the way to balance, he cut $820 million in funding to public schools and lowered aid to towns and cities. Local governments said the cuts forced them to fire workers, raise real estate taxes and cut services.

      Christie has held the line on state income taxes. Yet his reductions in aid to schools and local governments, combined with cuts to property tax rebate programs, have pushed up the average property-tax bill by 20 percent from 2009, according to state data. New Jersey has the highest property taxes in the nation at an average of $7,759 in 2011, and residents making as much as $200,000 pay more in real estate levies than income taxes, according to legislative budget analysts.

      New Jersey faces more budget pain: Revenue may have missed Christie’s targets by as much as $540 million for the fiscal year that ended June 30, according to the nonpartisan Office of Legislative Services.

      What this tells you is that we pay more fuckin taxes here in Porcineville than they do in Taxachusettes. It doesn’t matter if it’s the state, the county, or the borough. When Porcine cut it at the top, he in effect raised it at the bottom, and we pay it.

      Now let’s talk about unemployment here. In July it was almost 10%. Since he took over it’s been heading up-up-up. Maybe this isn’t all his fault, but it’s pretty clear whatever he’s been doing — and damned if I know what that is — hasn’t worked.

      Don’t believe me? Here:

      As for Dim-o-crats and Re-thug-licans around here, 2:1? You making shit up? Useless number anyway: Jersey’s independents outnumber both parties. Last numbers I saw are 32% D, 24% R, and — here’s what’s important — 38% Independent. None of the above. Like me. Here’s your source:

      Hey, I like listening to him, he makes me laugh. I just don’t believe a fuckin thing he says. The Fat Man can’t control his own knife and fork let alone the state budget.

      But worst of all? It pisses me off when he acts like he has a fucking clue about Springsteen. That really fries my ass because he’s everything Springsteen is against and doesn’t have the common sense to know it. And I bet you don’t either.

      • Frank of Oregon says:

        @Borkon: I think what I liked best about the big guy is at the podium he devoted 15 of his 22 minutes talking about himself, which told the nation (a) he’s an egomaniac, and (b) he doesn’t think Romney has a chance either so he’s announcing his availability for 2016. Assuming he doesn’t split at the seams first.

  4. says:

    This sentence says all all I need to know about you.
    “OK? Cuz nobody from Jersey says anything this fuckin stupid”
    As a typical scumbag leftist “Demorat” you inmediately resort to insult anyone whose opinion is different from yours.
    My advice to you is you better buy some good old antacid for your stomach in November because your empty chair is going down and will be sent back to the sewers of Chicago from where he came.
    About being “fucking stupid”, why don’t you check the mirror in your bathroom (if you have one) tomorrow morning while you shave, you may be seeing a reflection.

    • Borkon says:

      Whoa, snap. Let’s talk about ‘fuckin stupid.’

      First, we have “anonymous in new jersey” emerging from his secret closet as ‘’. So much for anonymity. This is the guy who thinks 2X24=32 when he adds up the voters. I knew you were too fuckin stupid for Jersey.

      As for typical scumbag, hey, no argument. I’ve been called worse names by better people. But you missed it when I said I wasn’t a demonrat — like lots of people around here (remember those numbers you couldn’t add up?) I’m independent and proud of it. Which means I hate ’em all.

      Way too stupid for Jersey. Try Philly. They come here for vacation.

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