Castro in a Baseball Cap?

Amazing — something an overwhelming number of South Floridians actually agree on.

A survey of 400 South Florida Major League Baseball fans, 90% of them self-described Marlins fans, found that the Marlins organization — [team owner Jeff] Loria, in particular — antagonized and may have permanently alienated a majority of the fan base.

Only 23 of the respondents (6 percent) had a “favorable’’ opinion of Loria, and a third of those were people who said they personally know him. The only public figure who might lose a popularity contest to Loria in South Florida right now is Fidel Castro (who has a favorability rating of rating of about 1%, says pollster Fernand Amandi).

A majority [61%] of the season-ticket holders surveyed said they would favor a boycott if it led to Loria selling the team. — Miami Hurled

Well, maybe overwhelming over-states it — after all, we’re limiting this to fans of the Miami Marlins, a rather select group, if attendance figures are accurate.

The comparison to Castro is intriguing, if somewhat distasteful.  On a scale of fiends, few compare to the Cockroach of the Caribbean: a billionaire greedhead whose sins are limited to financially fucking over a city and the game of baseball hardly measure up to a lifelong brutal dictator with more blood on his hands than an army of zombies.  Let’s make that clear at the outset.

However, in this context, the mention of a baseball boycott invites comparison to the American embargo.  Would starving stadium revenues be more effective than our 50-year policy toward Cuban trade?  Seems like it couldn’t be less so.

Maybe Marlins fans should reach into Miami history and try other techniques.  How about a few explosive devices planted in the cars of Marlins officials and their sympathizers (a/k/a “agents”)?  That was popular for a while down here.  Are there any sportsholes and radio hosts who defended the latest fire sale?  Do they drive?

In a similar vein, maybe Marlins fans can stage a few rush-hour slow-downs on I-95, 836, and the Palmetto to draw attention to their dissatisfaction.  As I recall, that always earned a lot of public sympathy.  It would be less effective these days, though — I mean, how can you slow down rush hour traffic that’s already at a standstill?


Enraged Marlins fans could picket the stadium at game time, confronting suckers who pay their way to see a low-paid AAA team compete with genuine franchises.  I can see it now: infuriated sports fans waving signs with defaced images of Loria and his runty son-in-law, screaming “Marlinista!  Marlinista!” at the handful of puzzled would-be spectators (most of whom fans of the visiting team).

Protestors start leaving bloody animal parts inside and around the new stadium, feeding rumors about Marlins’ ownership team staging weird religious ceremonies in their executive suites to boost revenue.  Photoshopped images of orgies go viral; blurred pictures of men and women in Marlins attire covered in chicken feathers.  Speculation about the Satanic symbolism of that puzzling, tasteless Liberace-inspired device out in center field that erupts on rare occasions when Marlins connect for home runs.

Yes, this could get ugly.  But think of the international media exposure!

Will it happen?  Would it work?  As the losers say, “Wait’ll next year.”

PS  Given this market, I better specify that this is satire — I don’t advocate any of the above, least of all “death threats.”  Let’s be real.  Sheesh.

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7 Responses to Castro in a Baseball Cap?

  1. Hose B says:

    One big difference: there aren’t that many Marlins fans who care, because there aren’t many Marlins fans. As long as these guys run the show, there never will be. When they say things like, “All we need to do is field a winning team, and the fans will return” they’re being disingenuous, as they don’t either the skills or the intention to commit to one. As they proved. Again.

  2. Lu Senz says:

    What Hose B says. Also, truth is that south Florida fans generally, and Marlins fans specifically, are pretty damn poor sports fans whose weak grasp of game strategy and the way the business of sports is conducted is a national joke, much like the electoral system. The nonsense I read in the papers, the imbeciles on the radio, and just the level of dialog I hear around the sports bars compare unfavorably with Chicago, St Louis, Boston, NY, Philly, and even SF and LA. The stunt pulled by Loria and all wouldn’t ever happen in those places, not today.

    • Kent Standit says:

      Yeah they’re ignorant. But they make up for it with excess apathy.

      • Frank of Oregon says:

        Not dumb or apathetic. Preoccupied with college sports. A separate problem one finds in backwater towns from coast to coast, but mostly in the south.

      • One Man's Opinion says:

        College sports!? Hell, here in south Broward there’s a highschool football TV station. And it usually has a bigger audience.

  3. Diesel Fitter says:

    …Loria and his runty son-in-law…

    I’m glad you brought this up. How perfect that Little David Samson, the troll-like son-in-law, is team president. Have you ever listened to him on 790-AM? Within minutes your teeth are gritted and you want to smack him. He’s obnoxious, ignorant, arrogant, completely self-absorbed, and has a grating voice to boot. He’s ugly, too. In other words, he’s the perfect face for this franchise.

  4. E.O. Hippus says:

    It won’t happen for a lot of reasons, but one way Marlins fans might actually have an impact would be to boycott the Marlins’ sponsors. Assuming there any left.

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