nutsFollowing yet another pis-poor performance for a team that overpaid for his services, Phillies’ closer Jonathan Papelbon strode off the field, grabbing his shrunken nuts, and contemptuously gesturing at derisive fans. Hilarious video here.

He was immediately ejected.

He dashed back out to the field to argue, after which umpire Joe West roughly shoved him aside.

A day later, the league suspended him for 7 days, and the Phillies issued a statement both condemning his behavior and apologizing to fans.

Now, class, compare and contrast this action and official reaction to the NFL’s initial handling of Ray Rice, caught on video slugging his then-fiancée (now wife) in the jaw, knocking her cold, then dragging her limp ass like a sack of laundry mostly out of an elevator, not even covering up her exposed legs. Two game suspension, I believe. Tut tut.

Which proves again that in the world of professional sports, a man abusing his own balls is a far greater sin than punching his own woman.

As for Papelbon, while he finally apologized, he told sports media that the suspension was if anything a welcome respite from the “shit-headed fans and pathetic team of losers” that make Philadelphia the “worst sports town this side of Caligula” (he probably meant “Calcutta,” but nobody can be sure with a dipshit like himself), and that as far as he’s concerned, “they shoulda made it 4 weeks so I could just pack up, go home, and kiss this fucking season, team, and city good-bye and good riddance.”

Last year, Papelbum blamed his poor performance on nagging fears that “Obama wants to take our guns away from us.”

Mired for months in last place in the National League East, “Crotchgate” is certain to make the Phillies’ 2014 highlights film.

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9 Responses to Crotchgate

  1. Diesel Fitter says:

    Pretty clear what went on here. He was having trouble with his hard stuff, so he went for his junk.

  2. Living Will says:

    Pap smear.

  3. Borkon says:

    “Crotchgate” is certain to make the Phillies’ 2014 highlights film.”

    Sadly, this is true. There have been precious few moments of celebration this year. The execrable Papelcrap publicly waxing his mast is about as glorious as it’s been.

  4. Ruh Roh says:

    No way he really said that, not out loud where anybody could hear it. But I bet he thought it.

  5. Stan Garde says:

    What kind of pussies are in his locker room? If I’m his teammate, I break his face for acting like that.

  6. Mr Schwinnickle says:

    John boy fucked up! Twice….. first by losing the fucking game with the wild pitch. You know there is a catcher there. He catches the ball. Not put it past him and the Umpire! Then he fucked up again by grabbing his balls. Good going asshole! I still wish they had more Phillies games on then Marlins games down here for us to watch.

    • Frank of Oregon says:

      Good news, Phillies fans! MLB plans to market its new Bottomfeeders channel, featuring access to MLB’s worst-performing teams during the season at a discount rate. In the NL alone you can tune in Phillies, Cubs, San Diego, Colorado, and of course, the loathsome Mets! Bad baseball, cheap seats — get yours today!

      • Mr Schwinnickle says:

        At least Phillies have fans….. Goto a Marlins game of empty stadium and seats. Buy the cheap seats and move to whatever seats you want.

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