This morning we welcome to our virtual interview room Mr. Dennis Dumas, recently appointed Director of the White House Office of Reactive Emergency Responses, or WHORER. The thinking behind establishing this new agency is that our nation’s current models are no longer equipped or prepared to address some of the terrifying and unprecedented impacts of COVID-19. Thanks to the administration’s hollowing out Federal agencies, driving out seasoned professionals, and appointing temporary directors with little or no expertise, it has become necessary to establish a specialized, focused task force to step in for immediate action.
Although Mr. Dumas has not clocked prior experience at any level of government until now, his extensive background in the liquid and gaseous fertilizer industry, including manufacture, marketing, and administration, prepares him for the assignment. Based in Oklahoma, Mr. Dumas is a lifelong registered Republican, member of the state’s chamber of commerce, and an avid Trumpf donor and supporter (which had nothing to do with his appointment, of course).
Welcome to the show, Mr. Dumas! Let’s start by……
“It’s pronounced DOO-mas. Doom. Not Dum.”
Aah. Noted. So let’s begin by talking about how the idea for this new government agency came about. It’s unusual, is it not, for as anti-government this administration claims to be, for it to create yet another entire department?
“I suppose, but these are unusual times. Americans elected this president to be something apart from the business-as-usual model, so this is consistent with that.”
Yes, we’ve gone from business as usual to bankrupt as usual – this stock market collapse, enormous swell in unemployment, and stunning record deficit will be amount to what, the president’s 7th bankruptcy? This time the whole damn country, if not planet? Americans wanted “a business man in the White House,” and end up with the self-proclaimed King of Debt!
“That’s not entirely fair. This coronavirus was completely unanticipated, and at present seems to be ‘way more deadly and consuming than anything we’ve ever seen. My office was established because we simply didn’t have the apparatus in place to address all the issues, including the financial impact you just mentioned.”
Actually, it wasn’t entirely unanticipated. Turns out the WH itself published a study in September 2019 that specifically addressed the economic impact of a pandemic like the one we’re experiencing now. Entitled “Mitigating the Impact of Pandemic Influenza Through Vaccine Innovation,” it projected economic losses depending on how contagious and deadly the virus turned out to be. It estimated that a pandemic flu could kill up to half a million Americans and inflict as much as $3.8 trillion in damage on the economy. Sound familiar? But the current administration ignored it. Why?
“Well, again, that isn’t quite accurate to say it was “ignored.” The administration set it aside only because it described what it believed to be an unlikely scenario. Besides, this was late 2019, and the President was concerned about his reelection campaign. This would have been regarded as a distraction!”
An unlikely scenario? Again, this WH itself had been made aware of the possibility of a pandemic’s devastating impact, especially in light of the country’s entirely insufficient preparation. Are you aware of the “Crimson Contagion” report in 2019? It ran a simulation of what would happen in the event of a pandemic like this, and alarmingly concluded just how underfunded, underprepared and uncoordinated the government is to wage a life-or-death battle with a virus for which no treatment existed. But again, the Trumpf administration pretended it never happened.
“Well, get over it. My office is up and running to address whatever real or imaginary oversights like this that arise, and I promise you this administration is fully focused on the impeachment hoax. I mean, the coronavirus. Sorry – still adjusting my talking points here. Heh heh!”
Give us an example.
“Sure. Right now there are refrigerator trucks waiting outside NYC hospitals to cart off coronavirus corpses – CCs, as we’re calling them. They’re being discreetly loaded by forklift – well, as discreetly as using a forklift on a city street allows – and taken away for appropriate shallow-grave disposal in mostly Democratic boroughs. Never waste a crisis, you know? Anyway, looking ahead, my office sees that because we’re going to run out of masks, respirators, and hospital beds, there simply won’t be enough refrigerator trucks, either.”
So what’s the solution?
“We contacted Mister Softee to see about acquiring their trucks to help take the load. In most of the country, it’s off-season for ice cream trucks, and besides, the sight of Mister Softee outside houses of death might help lighten the mood. They could play their theme music as bodies are (discreetly) piled into the trucks, and the drivers could wear their colorful uniforms!”
I dunno, Mr. Dumas – seems like that could have a real down impact on ice cream sales when the season rolls around. What happens when little Billy finds a cuticle in his cone – or a whole damn finger?
“Well, they’d need to develop and implement extraordinary sanitation protocols, but look – as I keep reminding you, these are extraordinary times. And speaking of time, I need to wind this up.”
Yessir – one last question – Like most of the current leadership in the Trumpf administration, , you’re inexperienced, inexpert, and totally out of your league. Why’d you even take this assignment?
“Oh, well, the president asked me to – I’ve sent him a bunch of dough over the years — and you know he can be real persuasive, especially to gullible people. Besides, my entire career has been in fertilizer. This shit comes naturally to me!”