Happy Birthday, Wolfie!

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

January 27, 1756 – September 5, 1791

Buyers’ Remorse the Sunshine State

My preference is not to write about politics per se.   I’m more intrigued by the ebbs and flows of the powers that propel differing perspectives and ideas that in turn become the obstacles on political battlefields.  I don’t give a damn about who’s running for office — they’re all just different sides of the same stained coin anyway — but it’s fascinating to see how the argument over (e.g.) federalism gets framed by people who urge the Federal government to butt out of states’ sovereignty when it comes to civil rights like gay marriage and illegal immigrants, but urge a Federal statute for carrying guns and declaring that birth begins at masturbation.  (I may have that last one wrong.)  How “income inequality” becomes “class warfare” or “socialism.”  Etc.

I love exposed hypocrisy, and the more sanctimonious the hypocrite, the funnier it is.  Which brings us to the Newt and his omnipresent puss here in Florid-duh where the ‘Pub primary concludes next Tuesday.

The so-called ‘Pub establishment has sounded the alarm.  Make that, “pressed the panic button.”  Among the high and mighty who have trashed him highly and mightily are Elliot Abrams (National Review), Man Coulter, Mathilde Drudge, and Tom DeLay.  Here’s a tidy little summary.  Here’s Lefty Bob Dole.  There’s plenty more all over the place.

They’re truly worried, and it’s richly rewarding, because they stood silently by for the last 4 years as their own party operatives kept lowering the bar, cheapening the dialog, dumbing down the arguments, and debasing the debate.  They handed the reins over to the Evangelicals and Teabaggers who drove the party apparatus so far off the trail they can’t find their way back.  The Kenyan Muslim Socialist wants to ban Christmas, take away your guns, declare Sharia Law, raise your taxes, and pee in the punch bowl, while the elite liberal Jewish media protect him by refusing to expose his evil deeds — and holy shit, did you notice that he’s Black?

Where was the collective STFU from Abrams/Coulter/Dole/Drudge/Delay?  Not until Newty made typically ignorant, off-the-mark generalizations about Mittens and Bain Capital, actually criticizing the holy free market, do they finally climb on their hind legs to denounce what they themselves, through their tacit approval, hath wrought.

Great stuff.  It worked so well for a while — look at the 2010 elections!  But now it’s all out of hand and they’re scrambling for cover.  Like warty witches boiling foul weeds and stinking carrion in an iron pot, their spell reversed their own fortune — they turned something shiny into a lowly Newt.  Now they’re in un-do mode.

This is just wonderful to behold, and so close to home it’s downright delicious.

My predictions are almost always wrong, but I make them anyway:

• Mittens will prevail in Florida, but Newty will show a strong second, and he’ll keep on rolling.
• Santorum will drop out and back Mittens — yes, there’s a good deal in it for him — while Ryan, with nothing to lose, keeps on truckin’.
• Newty might actually take another contest or two, like Arizona, but he’s on his way out…..and watching him crash and burn will be more spiritually rewarding than seeing Jesus Tebow and the Denver Broncos lose.

Oh, and the Giants will beat the Patriots again.  But more on that later.

[phtoto credit]

The Cockroach Gets It Right

With the Republican candidates courting Cubans in Miami today, Fidel Castro chimed in with an opinion piece in state-run media saying he was unimpressed, at the very least, with the field.

“The selection of a Republican candidate for the presidency of this globalized and expansive empire is — and I mean this seriously — the greatest competition of idiocy and ignorance that has ever been,” the retired Cuban leader wrote. — NYTimes

Three Shots

This is Binky.  Yesterday he had his balls removed.  Today he got a phone call from the Gingrich campaign soliciting his support.  Coincidence?  You decide.

Binky is the 6th cat in the household.  You probably think he’s very cute, but the other 5 are non-committal.  Even the two 3-year-olds find him ‘way too energetic and playful.  Guido and I keep him entertained with string, rolled-up paper, little kitten toys, and surgery. So far, so good.  Some breakage and spills, but nothing flammable or irreplaceable.

The other day I found myself at a booth in a Hollywood Chinese restaurant where the sign on the right was displayed.

My lunch companion, who like most of the world is a more observant creature than I am, pointed out that it was upside down: the smoke should be rising.

A quick survey of the dining room revealed that every similar sign was also upside-down, and we discussed whether or not this was a positive or negative commentary on the installer(s).  I lean toward the positive: he or she got it wrong, but paid sufficient attention to get it consistent.

My companion asked me whether or not I would continue patronizing this restaurant if whenever I did, and ordered the same meal,  it came out wrong.  We discussed this, too.

Finally, on the left is a photo of the front window of Jimmy John’s, a restaurant in Pembroke Pines.  I had lunch there once — not really my style or taste, but not bad for a sandwich shop.

Please note that the window has the words FREE SMELLS in red neon.  For several months I puzzled over who (or what) SMELLS is and why he has been incarcerated, inspiring this neon plea for his release.  Then one day I figured it out.  All by myself!

What makes it rather odd that I got confused by this is that years ago, when synagogues around the nation sported FREE SOVIET JEWS banners in response to some international crisis or campaign the details of which I don’t remember, I recall thinking to myself, “I wonder how many they’re giving out.”  Which suggests my confusion reflex or instinct works inconsistently.

Perhaps that’s why I find the wrong but consistent signage in the Chinese reataurant admirable on some level.

Echo Canyon

Anybody remember this?

I give BHO a lot of credit: I wasn’t sick and tired of listening to his bullshit until a year into his administration.  Usually I find a president’s speeches an intolerable assault on reason and common sense about 6 months into his candidacy, so Obama scores very high in my sports book.

But that was then.  This is now.  And speaking of now, I wrote this before the speech.

This being an election year, the annual SOTU speech is little more than another campaign presentation.  The usual platitudes about staying the course, sticking with the program, giving the current leadership more time to continue its brilliant stewardship.  How we’re so much better off after 3 years of US compared to 8 years of THEM.  How so many promises have been kept, so much work remains, and if only we had more cooperation from those who would bring us down, how much more we would be enjoying.

Few will hang around long enough to hear the ‘Pub’s rebuttal, handled this year by Gov. Mitch Daniels of Indiana.  The Governor has been labeled a “fiscal policy whiz,” and even now, with Mittens and Gingrinch hissing at and slapping one another, there are pleas for him to reconsider his decision not to seek the nomination.  Run Mitch Run!  What is never brought up, it seems, is that Daniels was Monkey Boy’s budget director from 2000- 2003, and that during his tenure the projected federal budget surplus of $236 billion became a $400 billion deficit.  (The fiscal policy whiz insists it wasn’t his fault — back then all the cool kids were still blaming Clinton for everything.)

Well, it wasn’t his fault.  Or Clinton’s.  As we’ve learned, the whole system had been corrupted by any number of powerful interests, crashing the house of cards to create  a gigantic crisis that would have required brilliance, patience, foresight, and cooperation to remedy.  Monkey Boy and his zoo were neither qualified nor motivated to effect repairs, and after 8 years they left it worse than it started.  Lest we forget, this is the situation that BHO inherited.

Have he and his legions done enough to straighten us out?  Nah.  So do we toss his ass out and replace his best and brightest with Mittens and the buttoned-down experts of his choice?   That’s what the election will determine.

But until then, all the cloying bluster is but a seedy dog and pony show to distract us from our troubles.  I refuse to pay attention. There’s beer to drink and porn to watch, and no time to waste on foolish pursuits.

Nice Work If You Can Get It

The Florida Department of Law Enforcement (FDLE) has fallen under scrutiny for paying several employees to drink alcohol on the job in order to test a breathalyzer.

Last October, the department allocated $300 for Jim Beam whiskey, Doritos and drink mixers. The Herald Tribune reports that it was part of an effort to preserve the embattled “Intoxilyzer 8000″ from being phased out. Fifteen  law enforcement employees were then invited to department headquarters in Tallahassee to drink and eat on the job.

The department set up a video camera to record the events, while FDLE crime analysts, staff assistants and Capitol Police officers drank. Blood tests were then taken and sent to a local lab with a total price tag of $8,000 for the effort….FDLE’s Laura Barfield then appeared in a Sarasota County courtroom hearing to present the test results as evidence that the Intoxilyzer results were accurate. — Yahoo.com

I want to see that video, don’t you?  

But more than that, I want to apply for the job of Intoxilyzer Tester.  This is the best gig I’ve heard of since mattress testing, and that’s only because nobody’s invented the need for poontang taster yet.  

What is it about law enforcement in the Sunshine State?  Where do these administrative-level cops get their fucking brains?  Nobody in OPM (Office of Pig Management) had the foresight and common sense to see just what a bad idea this was, and what it would look and sound like once the media got hold of it?   

It reminds me of the days of Broward Sheriff Nick Navarro manufacturing crack at police labs to use in sting operations.  That ended pretty badly, too.  Imbecile.

It’s sobering to remember that these are the folks with guns, badges, authority, and political connections.  They have the sympathetic ear of the population, and they routinely pose as role models for youth.   They have gigantic budgets and considerable influence on elected officials at all levels in government.  And they pull shitheaded stunts like giggling drunken frat rats.

Just today I got a call from some knob soliciting a contribution for the local Police Benevolent Association.  I cut him off in mid-pitch, thanking him for the call, wishing him a nice day, and hung up.  Was a time I’d  chew these people out and challenge them on their methodology — what percentage of my contribution do YOU keep? — but it’s a losing battle, and frankly, I worry for my own security.  Cops and I never just don’t get along.  They don’t seem to like my face, and I certainly don’t trust them.

As a society, we need police, but we don’t need morons, tyrants, or power pimps.  FDLE has provided us with yet another sordid tale of poor judgment at the highest levels.  A fish rots from the head down.  Ordinary citizens shouldn’t have to wear nose plugs.

Heading This Way

The carnival called the national Republican primary season is heading our way, fellow Floridians, and you will be well advised to brace yourself for the numbing media onslaught that has already started.  If you’re registered R, your phone will ring constantly.  If you watch teevee, you’ll be blinded by bared teeth, red white and blue imagery, and leering analysts making a mockery of journalism on an hourly basis.  If radio is your preferred medium, prepare to turn down the volume.  

The contests in Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina were damn near meaningless, as the populations are small and insular, not representative of any voting trend other than their own, which don’t add up to much.  In SC, 60% of registered ‘Pubs identify themselves as evangelical Christians.  They reside in small towns where the Ten Commandments are displayed at McDonalds.  As HL Mencken once marveled years ago, the Carolinas are a place where even the High Episcopals handle snakes at worship. 

Funny guy, that Mencken and man could we use him today.

Newton Leroy Gingrich appeals to the lower instincts of the ‘Pub hordes, the voters who unwrinkle at hollered epithets like “Food Stamp President!” and “Liberal media elites!” and “Political correctness!”  His maniacal, full-front attack on Mittney’s Bain Capital career was so ignorant and off the mark that even the pro-business Wall Street Journal and Club For Growth told him to roll it back and shut up.  “This is the sort of attack on the capitalist system we would expect from Obama and his people,” they sniffed, irritably.  Really, fellas?  Find me evidence of that attack.  This wasn’t anything to do with BHO, just bile from your favorite fat-faced bomb thrower working his way to the nomination.

We’ve seen this act before, and it ends badly.  Mittens will remind Florida’s faithful that as Speaker, Gangreengich barely survived a coup d’état staged by his own party.  He is unstable and unreliable, a sanctimonious hypocrite with a short fuse and a big mouth.  It’s all great fun, but no substitute for leadership, even among ‘Pubs who seriously offered the world a Vice President Sarah Palin.  Florida’s vote will reflect this sentiment.

On the plus side, we don’t have to endure Rick Perry, who is headed home.  I found this amusing:

“I am concerned that the unfortunate results of Perry’s performance on the national stage may confirm the stereotype that much of the rest of the country has about Texas — the impression that Texas is a bunch of yahoos and people of low intelligence,” said Scott Caven, a Houston Republican who was Mr. Perry’s state finance chairman in his first two campaigns for governor.  NYTimes

I don’t share this thoughtful ‘Pub operative’s concern — nothing Rick Perry said or did in the spotlight of national media out-performed Monkey Boy’s bozoic antics during his eight bumbling years in the White House from which the nation is still recovering.  The damage had been done before he ventured out, and his own contributions are relatively minor.  Perry is simply a footnote, or a foot-in-mouth-note, and back home where he blends in with the loudmouthed hinds for which his state and party are famous he’ll be welcomed warmly.  

I suspect Team Gingrinch will not fare as well in Florida as it did in South Carolina, and that Mittney’s well-oiled and high financed campaign machinery will prevail, resetting the direction of the race back to what passes for reason among the ‘Pubs.   (Santorum and Paul are mere distractions.  Even ‘Pubs don’t take them seriously.)   Florida will be the turning point, which is disappointing in a way, because it marks the end of the great entertainment, and the beginning of hidebound national politics as usual.

Meanwhile will somebody please just slap Callista?  Or fling some animal feces her way?  She has to be the most annoying candidate’s spouse since….since….well, since Bill Clinton.  Speaking of animal feces.

Photo credit

This Again. But At Least We Mention Eating Goat Brains

Here’s our latest venture into Very Bad Audio Entertainment Certain to Bore the Snot Out of Sentient Life.

The whole hideous series is available if you click on the Podcast tab, above, along with something of an explanation.

Down Town

The author warns at the outset, that this is not a scientific study, just a little game with Google trends.  Still, as a native of the City of Bodily Harm, I’m proud to have scored #1:

Most Depressing U.S. Cities in 2011

The following U.S. cities searched for depression-related terms on Google more often than other cities, according to Google Trends.

Philadelphia, PA    Dallas, TX    Chicago, IL    Minneapolis, MN   Seattle, WA   Houston, TX    New York, NY    Portland, OR    San Diego, CA    Phoenix, AZ     San Francisco, CA     Los Angeles, CA    Denver, CO   Austin, TX    Boston, MA

Most Depressing U.S. States in 2011

The following states searched for depression-related terms on Google more often than other states, according to Google Trends.

Pennsylvania   Kentucky  New Jersey   Indiana    Michigan    Utah  Ohio     South Carolina   Alabama   Wisconsin   Iowa  Connecticut   Mississippi   Tennessee   North Carolina

Yay Philly!  We’re Number 1…… and we’re Number 1 again!!

You can find the data here.  I found this faux study only because my cousin — actually a second cousin, one whom I think I’ve never met, to my chagrin — noted it on his Facebook page.  (I guess I need to introduce myself an friend his family ass.)

Having grown up in Philadelphia, I can see where it would be fertile ground for depression.  I spent a lot of unhappy time there, even if you discount all 12 years of public school, which, in the lingo of the day, ate shit off the wall and blew dead Japs, especially high school.  I recall many down moments when I was broke, horny, cold, and just generally frustrated.  Did I say “moments”?  I meant “years.”

That noted, I truly doubt that (a) I was the only one, (2) it would have been different anywhere else, and (iii) Oops I forget in honor of Rick Perry, former candidate for the Republican presidential nomination god help us all.

Besides, the solution to all my depression was breathtakingly simple: GET LAID.  So I did.  As often as possible, which wasn’t often enough but still.  Sometimes a man has to get up and attend to essentials, like feed the cat.

Philadelphia was a dreary place for a long time but it has remade itself remarkably.  By the time I left I knew I would miss it, and I did and still do.  At the moment it’s 34 degrees there.  I’m not going back.  If I want to get depressed again, I’ll do it here.  All I need to do is look at my bank balance.

The list is suspect anyway.  Conspicuously missing: Cleveland, Detroit, Cincinnati, Spokane, and Wichita.  I’d throw in Atlanta, too.  Maybe it’s not depressing, but that place sucks out loud  (and/or blows dead Japs).  I’m not a big fan of Daytona Beach, either, where I felt like I wanted to wipe my feet on the way out.

Then again, just about all of my friends from up north hate south Florida.  They have the good sense, taste, and class to do so from afar as opposed to the millions who come here, stay, and bitch about it endlessly.

It’s all moot anyway once President Gingrich takes over.

Or Are You Just Glad to See Me?

The South Carolina Republican primary in full swing!  Here’s the scene in the Palmetto State:

The candidates talk themselves hoarse as each tries to make himself a bigger ass than the next guy, while their spin doctors explain afterwards what each one really meant.  Slick campaign managers, oozing sincerity from every pore, brazenly lie about the coordination between the big PAC money they use to attack one another with seriously vicious lies, out-of-context quotes, and sheer manufactured bull hockey.  Meanwhile, the media picks sides and slimes the unlucky loser like Tom Sawyer’s friends whitewashing his fence, over and over and over……

As a result, there have been a lot of dicks in the news lately.  Plus this one:

A 21-year-old unidentified man received a tattoo on his penis and the process left him with a permanent erection, according to the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

….the tattoo artist used a handheld needle, which lends itself to little control if any, and now doctors are saying that the man has a non-ischemic priapism, a condition where blood flowing out of the penis is not sufficient enough to shrink the erection.  Apparently, the tattooing procedure punctured holes into his penis that went deeper than they should have and vessels were damaged in the shaft.  – NewsOne

Evidently  the needle man got too enthusiastic — he should have made a little prick.  Sometimes called a Newt.  (Just wait until Madame Gingrich 2nd starts talking.)

Now guys, before you stampede over to the ink parlor, read the entire article.  Even though Mr. PermaWood insists he’s okay with it, nobody in the medical field has recommended this procedure.  

I have to believe that walking around with a permanent woody has disadvantages, not the least of which concerns the flow of urine.  Meet Chief Doublestream, scourge of the restrtoom.  Then there’s the inevitable discomfort from wearing form-fitting pants, sitting in one place for any length of time, and the ever-present danger of slamming your meat into a door jam or dining room chair.  He’ll be entering rooms sideways for the rest of his life — and imagine squeezing into an airplane seat.

On the plus side, he’ll never roll out of bed.

But all things considered, the dick that is the star of this story is a far more engaging character than any of those clamoring for votes in South Carolina this week.  What say all have their shafts tattooed and spend the rest of the week planking somewhere.  That would lower both their profiles and the volume of the chatter.  Win win (wee wee).

Dammit, I never worked out the John Boner reference.  Next time.